Sunday, March 25, 2012
This week has been really crazy, but so so fun too. I spent a big chunk of the week getting ready for Ms. Brooke's bridal shower that we had on Saturday. It was ALOT of work, but it turned out really cute and I loved being able to do that for her. She is just such a sweetheart and I don't think I could love her anymore than I do. I hope that she liked it, and that it was everything she wanted. Don't worry... I have LOTS of pictures. To be completely honest this past week is kind of a blur, the excitement on Saturday kind of over shadowed everything else that happened. I did have something happen at school this week that I should probably write down and deal with again... its a little embarrassing and gave me a lot of insight into myself... which is scary and nice all at the same time. So, in my abnormal pysch class we have been studying different disorders and each class someone presents on a group of disorders (like when I did social anxiety). Well, on Friday they presented on eating disorders. I feel like I have been fairly open about the fact that I did have an eating disorder at one point. I didn't realize it at the time, but I suffered from a form of anorexia called hypergymnasia. I started out training for a marathon, and as I lost weight and started to get positive feed back from others and from within myself I let things get out of control and I got to the point where I would exercise for 3-4 hours a day. I can remeber more than few occasions of going for a 6-8 mile jog in the moring, going to school and work, and then heading to the gym for another 2 or 3 hours. I remember being very focused on what went in and what I worked off. I would ALWAYS try to burn way more than I ate ... I'm not talking about what I ate extra I mean what I ate period so trying to burn off 2000 calories while I was on the treadmill or elliptical was not uncommon. I grew to where I liked people commenting on how long I had been at the gym or what I weighed. The strange thing as I think back though was that I knew I was skinny, but I knew I still wanted to loose. I remember being so self conscious about my tummy and my legs, thinking I had a pooch and cellulite. I was literally consumed by what I looked like and how much I worked out. I can see now what a huge problem I had. Well, in my class they were presenting on Friday and I started feeling very defensive and irritated. I felt like they were presenting it like they were reading from a text book and like it was something that only models and dancers suffered with. I was a little mad. I felt like the people in my class should have a better picture of what it really was. I got more and more irritated as the class went on. Finally at the end when they asked if there were questions or comments I just had to share. I was literally shaking and sweating and stuttering.. you would have thought I was up there presenting. I briefly shared a small part of my problem and just felt so exposed after. I hated it. I literally walked out of the class. After I walked out and got a hold of myself I started to realize how not normal my response was. I had that problem close to 7 years ago. I truely felt like I should have dealt with it by now and be able to share it easily, and without such extreme emotional responses. I guess I hadn't dealt with it completely yet. Of course I called my sister Kati to walk me through what was going on. She told me I should really sit and think about it and identify why I was responding this way. By this time at least 15 minutes had past and my heart was still racing and I was still feeling shakey... weird. I really thought about things and came to the realization that I still am fearful that I will get back to that place because a part of me still wants to. I want to get back to that weight and how it felt to be that skinny again. I want to be able to run the way I ran then and to exercise the way I did then.. I know I was physically very strong then. Sam and I have started working out again and I can feel myself have that internal struggle to maintain a health balance. I want those things again, but not in that way. I know I am hypersensitive because I am still battling my problem. I still struggle with hypergymnsia. Thats why I feel so vunerable, because its still real to me. I am sitting at my computer right now, crying because thats the first time I really realized, and have said outloud that I still currently suffer from hypergymnasia. Its crazy to me to say that and to feel that. I never thought I was one of those girls. I was getting healthy the right way, I was counting calories and exercising. I crossed a line, and I worry that I will cross it again because I want to loose weight and get back to that weight and size. I worry about it all the time, to the point that I don't even know I am worried about it and freaking out in a classing and having to have an emergency therapy session with my sister in a hallway at the college. I still worry, and I needed that to have this realization. I suffer and will continue to suffer from an eating disorder. On to happier things, I lost 7 pounds since we started working out, and I happy to report I have not been at the gym for longer than 2 hours the whole time, and I still eat fairly normal (I mean I have cut back a little but I needed to cut some sugar out :) ) I have started to build my running back and I am really loving it. I really missed running when I didn't have it. Everyone seems to be doing good. I worry about one of my sisters, but I know she is strong and capable. I know that she asks Heavenly Father for help everyday, and that helps my worry. She will be fine, and she will survive her trials right now. I just know it. Things I am grateful for: A nice warm home that I feel safe in An adorable husband who tries really hard and says really sweet things to me Nice sisters that come help me whenever I need them- even when its not fun for them The sunshine and beautiful spring days Good jogs that make me feel healthy Gaining insight into myself so I can continue working on getting better My Weldin/Gibson family and how loved and accepted I feel there Amazing mother-in-law and sisters-in-law that I just love so much Love- because it really is just so sweet Flowers- I have freash flowers in my house now that the shower is over and they just brighten the whole house Learning new things in primary. I know I teach so I can learn, because I learn something new all the time Good jobs that help pay the bills A good car that takes me where I need to go My mom- She is so sweet and supportive of me all the time... I just love her!